Weekly Update November 9th-15th 2020

General Update

Do you ever have one of those weeks where you just spend your time thinking ALL of the thoughts???

This was a very introspective week for me. And maybe not in a good way…

I spent a lot of time thinking about what I’ve achieved in my nigh on four decades on this planet…

NO I AM NOT FORTY YET but I’m closer to it than I’d like to be LOL!….

But before I descend into a panic over my ever increasing age, instead I was asking myself this week if the little kid version of myself would have been happy to know this adult version of me…

And I’m not sure what she’d think.

I haven’t done any of the things that I thought I would have done… marriage, kids, career, are all not on my horizon because of my chronically ill status…

So that’s something I’m sure younger me would be upset to discover because I wanted all of the above and more!

But what about the other things I’ve done in my life; would I like the kind of daughter I am to my parents? The kind of sister I am to my siblings? The kind of friend I am?

I live a small life.

Even in non-pandemic years I don’t leave the house much because I am so physically unwell. The number of friends I have in my offline life can be counted on one hand with fingers to spare. My days are marked by pain and sickness, not by social activities and events… unless those activities are hospital appointments.

So it’s not exactly a life anyone would dream of living.

And the question I’ve struggled with this week is this… is it a good life? Is it worthwhile? Am I making any sort of positive difference to someone else’s world?

I don’t have the answers to these questions.

Inherently I know that my life is valid, that I am a worthwhile person, that my family and friends love me… I know that I give my all to my relationships with my family and friends, that they know how much they mean to me… but every now and then I struggle to accept that my life is small and will remain that way. That my hopes for the future have to be tempered by my ailing body.

I hate being sick. I hate being disabled. I know other spoonies and disabled people find a sort of pride in this identity but not me. If I could swallow a magic pill to cure me of all my diseases I would take it in a heartbeat.

Mostly I have accepted my illness.

Most weeks I am okay.

I have developed coping mechanisms and have learned how to be happy, have learned how to live in the moment and I keep going…

But every now and then the enormity of this thing we call life hits me and I get bitter that I’m sick. I’ve seen a few comments online recently where able bodied people got sick for a short time and expressed their frustration at being limited by their illness… and I got so mad. Because I have been living a limited life for thirty years now, and I feel I have to be quiet and accept it gracefully so that others don’t feel bad….

But this week I don’t want to be quiet. I want to bang my pity party drum and get all of the sympathy!

I know there is no rhyme nor reason to life. I know that looking from the outside into someone else’s world usually just shows the view of their good days and not their struggles. Everyone has struggles. Everyone has something that makes life hard for them but this week I just want someone to acknowledge the unfairness of a life that is dictated by pain and sickness.

So that’s where I’ve been this week. Instead of reading, blog hopping, and responding to comments I’ve been sitting with my, mostly negative, thoughts. But writing this blog post has helped. Even if no one ever reads these words there’s a catharsis in expressing my sadness, in verbalising it for myself so that I can find my balance again.

Reading Update

Book Reviews

The following are the book reviews I posted to the blog this week:

And Finally

For this week’s song of the week I’m returning to my favourite musician John Mayer…

Say what you want to say about John Mayer and his less than savoury romantic relationships, but the man can sure write a song lyric that cuts deep to my soul.

John Mayer didn’t write his song ‘Bigger Than My Body’ about being chronically ill but that’s how I’ve interpreted the lyrics. To me it’s about being frustrated by the limitations my illness puts on my life…

Some day I’ll fly, some day I’ll soar…

I’m bigger than my body gives me credit for..

How could I not see my own struggles in those words. My hopes that one day I will be well and will no longer be defined by my ailing body.

I will one day be the embodiment of my dreams.

I will be ‘bigger than my body gives me credit for‘.

9 thoughts on “Weekly Update November 9th-15th 2020

  1. Sending virtual hugs. 😦 Life often just isn’t fair. I’m about the same age as you, by the sounds of it, and I’ve struggled all my life with various illness, both mental and physical. It doesn’t sound like I’m currently as limited as you, but I know what it’s like to feel like you’re watching the rest of the world get on with “normal” life and know you can’t. I’m glad writing about it made you feel a bit better, I’ve found writing one of the most cathartic things I can do. I hope you feel a little better about things as time moves on. 🙂

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  2. Hey! It does sound like a deep-thoughts week for you .. important thoughts, no doubt, but also pretty raw.

    I’ll echo everything that all the other posters have said above. You’re very much loved … and, heck, we live in a age were online friends are just as valid as real-life ones — even though we can’t drop by with a casserole. If you need anything, please do shout.

    I don’t want to negate or somehow invalidate your experience … so, this is said with good intentions only. Have you read any books on ACT? Like, The Reality Slap by Russ Harris?

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  3. Emer, I’m sending you so much love 💞 I hope you’re doing okay and that you have a better week this week. I’m glad to hear that writing this out was cathartic for you. Sometimes it’s good to just let out everything you’re feeling – the good, the bad and the ugly because then it’s not weighing on your chest as heavy.

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  4. Wow, thank you for your honesty and I’m glad that writing this post made you feel better. Writing really is cathartic even if it’s primarily just for yourself. Bang that pity party drum as hard as you need to! A small life isn’t the same as a meaningless one and I’m sure you’ve touched many lives already (including mine) and will continue to do so in your unique Emer-ly way. I hope you’ll have a better week next week, both mentally and physically ❤️

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  5. Much love honey ❤❤ I know it’s hard, and I know what it is like to be dealt the wrong card in life, and I know it doesnt make it better by saying that it’s going to be fine. But rest assured that there are so many people online and offline who would hate to see life without you, and if we have nothing else in this world, we have the people who love us and the people who we love. And yes, I am miles younger than many other bloggers, and much less experienced, I too dont see my self leading a big life where everyone knows my name. What’s important to remember is that a small life sometimes is worth so much more than a life out loud. You have made me smile on some of my saddest days, and you do the same to so many others, and that in itself makes you amazing 🙂 Sending hugs and kisses for days XOXO ❤❤❤❤❤

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  6. Sending you lots of love and hugs, Emer!! ❤ You are a such a great and loving person, and your posts never fail to make me smile! Even when things are difficult, know that you are valued and that the world is a much brighter place with you in it! 💕 Honestly, I love how raw and open you are with us in your posts, and I admire you so much for how well you’ve been dealing with your illness. I feel so incredibly lucky that I’ve never had to experience what you’re going through, but I do want to be supportive, which is why I love how you go out of your way to educate others about chronic illness and make sure it gets good representation in literature! And, to be honest, sometimes it just helps to see that other people also have their doubts and are pondering whether they’ve achieved what they once wanted to – just know that you’re not alone on this, and that your community is always here to support you when you need it!!! You’re pretty amazing, and don’t ever forget that! 💖💙💚

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  7. Emer, thank you for sharing this with us, and I hope writing this post helped you feel even the slightest bit better!! ❤️ It hurts me to think of you going through this right now, and the best I can think of to say is that I believe in a good God, and that He loves you so much. I know religion may not seem like the best solution right now (and believe me, I usually don’t bring it up in the comments), but I just wanted to let you know that you are loved. By Him, by me, and by the rest of the amazing people who support you 🥰 I hope you have a better and more beautiful week ahead!! ✨

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  8. Emer! I hate that you’re having to go through this, but your positive attitude is always SUCH an inspiration. While I AM over forty by a few years, I remember having a hard time with it. It gets better. In fact, a few months after I turned forty, I felt a big relief. Like that was over and it wasn’t so bad after all. I get more comfortable in my skin every year. Allow yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling—and keep sharing! I hope next week is so much better. ❤ ❤

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  9. Emer!! 💕💕 It pains me to read this, knowing what you’ve been thinking about. I know this probably doesn’t help, but I, for one, am thankful for having you in my life and making that positive difference! 🥺 I love your insights on books, life, and that you always reach out a helping hand (including letting me know my formatting issues in the Reader which is still unfixable… 😅). Hopefully, writing this post did make you feel a little better and a little bit less anxious, stressed, lonely. 🥰 If you ever need or want anything (chat, something to cheer you up, etc.), please don’t hesitate to let me know! 💖

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