When I started this blog I thought it would be just about books. Granted books with a focus on illness representation but purely books all the same.
But somehow over the last number of months my ‘weekly update’ posts in particular have been anything but bookish. They’ve become almost akin to a journal. Or even could be described as a small window into my soul.
What I’ve discovered during my blogging journey is that the best way to spread chronic illness and disability awareness is to just talk about my life. Write these posts from the heart.
So here I am again pouring my heart into these few lines.
Last week’s update…
I dropped all of the raw truth bombs in that, and I think from the reaction to it I worried a lot of my blogging friends. But if I’m going to talk about the physical aspect to being chronically ill then there’s no point in shying away from the mental toil it takes too.
So right now friends here’s my truth. I am dealing with depression and anxiety.
There’s no sugar coating it. My mental health has taken an almighty beating because the last few months have been a downward spiral physically. It’s just been too hard to stay mentally afloat when my chronic illness has taken a firmer grip with unrelenting pain flare ups. When every day is marked by pain and sickness it’s frankly impossible to keep spirits up. These past few months with an increase in the severity of the daily pain I’m in, and the added impact of the virus I picked up in the summer… well it’s just felt like one knock back after another. And adding to that my regular human connections have been taken from me due to the pandemic, and I know this might not seem much to some people, but dealing with the terminal illness and ultimate death of my beloved dog has been more horrible than I could ever express to you.
So, in the days leading to last weekend to me, it culminated to a point where I hit one of the lower points I’ve been to in my life, and things got pretty dark there for a bit.
But then I wrote a blog post.
And something happened.
Rereading last week’s ‘weekly update’ after I’d posted it… it helped. It was hugely cathartic. And so I reached out and I found the support I needed. I was able to step back and see the bigger picture. I found me again. I focused on the coping mechanisms that I’ve been working on all my adult life and there was a little chink of light.
So I’m glad to report that things are a little better mentally this week.
Of course this has all taken a massive physical toll on my already weakened body too because hello vicious circle!
- My chronic fatigue is chronically fatigued!
- I’ve been having dizzy spells whereby I’ve fallen a number of times (soft landings luckily!).
- I’ve been riddled with more pain than usual.
So I’m currently bed-bound which is utterly crap. Honestly I’m so weak I shouldn’t be expending energy writing this blog post but I feel like I need to. Not for anyone else, but for me. So forgive me if the formatting looks weird in this post because I’m writing this using the WordPress app on my tablet rather than my trusty old laptop.
I’d love to dive into deep discussions about Sia (and her ableist attitudes with regards to her new film) and Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie (and her revealing herself to be a TERF) but I don’t have the physical energy to write those words. A quick twitter search on any of these topics will get you up to speed but oh I’ve been enraged by the actions of both!
But I don’t have the energy for all that sadly.
I also don’t really have any energy for books and reading. I’ve DNFd two or three books this week… I’ve lost count! I’m just too exhausted to read and that’s affecting my reading mood.
So slump it is!
Instead I’m focusing on rest, and listening to calming music.
The following are the book reviews I posted to the blog this week:
- The Binding by Bridget Collins
- The Thing Around Your Neck and Other Short Stories by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
- How Beautiful We Were by Imbolo Mbue
- Rescue Me by Sarra Manning
- Girl in the Walls by AJ Gnuse
I’d like to share a piece of music that has been my happy companion this past week. It’s The Butterfly Lovers Violin Concerto.